In the details.

I haven't "worked" in 10 years!  I left my bureaucratic job for motherhood a year before my little Russian baby came home.  At the time, I was itching to leave.  To say I hated my job would be an understatement.  To say I hate to work would be wrong.  


Since that time, I haven't punched a time clock but I certainly haven't taken off.  The year before we had children I spent countless hours sewing.  All to raise the ridiculous amount of money we needed to bring our baby home.  I have taken time out to minister to others.  Something I would never call work but rather a blessing.  There have been years that I have worked for minimum wage in the church nursery to make it all work out.  I have been known to sell anything that isn't breathing on Ebay to keep clothes on the kids.  Right now, I sew.  I sew everyday.  For you all I sew.  For my kids, I sew.  Because I am blessed, I sew.  


And even though I tend to make up the difference at the times we need it, this year has been the tightest it has ever been.  There have been occasional conversations about me finding "a real job".  I just really feel a strong conviction to be here when my kids are.  It is my calling to be available.  


But the other night, I fell to the lies and began to look.   A depressing look.  What does a mom of 4 with a college degree in International Politics do after 10 years of being out of the loop?  I looked, and looked, and looked.  After a few minutes.  I realized in the "real world" of "real jobs" I qualify to be a lunch room monitor.  Now, I love our lunch room monitor -- she is great!  She is important.  But when you have a little one to put in daycare, being a lunch room monitor equals out to pay about 1.50 a hour.  


So I began to cry.  I believed I had no value.  Well, no value to help our family.  At the same time I began to bang my head against the MAC, the email chime went off.  I had just sold one of my sales items on Etsy.  


So in my dismay, there he was - holding 12.00 out to me.  To remind me that I do have value and he does provide.  It just may be in his way, at his time......not mine.